The Inu House Trapped Series!
by Blake Niru
Summary: DAY TWO OF THE FIRST WEEK IS UP NOW SEE THEM GO NECK IN NECK! INUYASHA ALMOST KILLS HIMSELF AND SHIPPOU, STEP RIGHT UP AND TAKE A LOOK!
1. First MONDAY!

Monday Week 01  
  
4.00 am  
  
Everyone is asleep, except for a certain someone who has gone out for his secret daily fag.  
  
"Hey!" Says a shifty Jaken as he sees the cameras turn on him, "Piss off, would ya?" Jaken appears to be having trouble holding the cigarettes in his mouth, as frankly, he has no lips. After a time he seems to realise this and gives up in disgust.  
  
Smokin' toad  
  
4.10 am  
  
Grumblings from a nearby tree and also the kitchen signify that both Inuyasha and Naraku are awake. Since the eviction of Kaede, Naraku appears to have become more paternal, and has woken at 4.10 every day to cook waffles for the cast. Kikyou appears to enjoy these considerably. Naraku's tongue hangs out of his mouth slightly as he works. He is not wearing his makeup yet and bears a striking resemblance to Paul Hogan.  
  
4.20 am  
  
Big Buttocks calls Inuyasha to the living room... Big Buttocks appears to have had a late night out, and asks Inuyasha grumpily why he doesn't use the house toilets, opting instead to complete his toiletries behind a tree and directly in front of camera 5b. Inuyasha's incomprehensible reply comes out rather like...  
  
"Whydontyagotofhellgrummutkagomefoffyoubastard I'llpeewhereibloodylikebloodypervertgrumblehanyouKikyousnot."  
  
Big Buttocks gives a punishment to Inuyasha- he is to supervise Shippou's daily bath. Inuyasha smashes camera 6a and is heard to curse into his microphone as he goes outside to dig a hole for "No frickin' reason you bloody pervert!"  
  
5.20 am  
  
Naraku has been ordered to put his tongue back in his mouth for fear it will drop off. Inuyasha has fallen into his hole. "I friggin forgot it was there!"  
  
9.00 am  
  
It's breakfast time for the cast. "These are… nice," Says a menstrual Kikyou as she eats Naraku's offering of "Toasty warm scrummy waffles hot from the oven, just for you, my poppet!" The cast sit in silence as they eat, tired from a stressful night concerning Kikyou. Big Buttocks reads the weather forecast to them as they eat, and cracks the occasional lame joke. Big Buttocks also enquires about Sesshoumaru's health. His refusal to eat human food means that he hasn't eaten since the start of the program. Rin's absence is also concerning Big Buttocks. Sesshoumaru is in the bathroom in front of camera 7a, beginning his three-hour routine of grooming. "Do I look lovely this morning?" He asks the camera as he applies globs of mascara to his unnaturally long lashes.  
  
Naraku's parental skills come into play  
  
9.30 am  
  
Kouga asks Kagome to take a swim with him. An enraged Inuyasha can't do anything about it, as he's on SBD, or 'Shippou Bath Duty'. The cast prefer to refer to it as "Shippou's Bum's Dirty" or "Stupid Bloody Diarrhoea" (courtesy of Inuyasha). Kikyou fixes him with an evil look and asks him what is so wrong with SBD. After all, he hates swimming and he never did it with her. Miroku chooses that moment to enter the room and Kikyou is the victim of a bad end to a sentence. Inuyasha is called to SBD.  
  
10.00 am  
  
Water trickles from underneath the door of bathroom two, and Kagome anxiously knocks on the door. "You're not drowning him in there, are you Inuyasha?" She can hear sounds of splashing, shrieks, frequent "Get in there you little censored!" and less frequent "Kitsune-Bi!" The camera in the bathroom has not worked ever since Sesshoumaru decided to give a rendition of Antonin Dvorak's Rusalka in bathroom two because "It has good acoustics.".  
  
10.05 am  
  
Miroku turns up to bathroom two, grumbling about needing a piss. He looks up and sees an anxious Kagome wringing her hands outside the door. "Ah, Kagome-sama," Miroku says, ever the gentleman. "No chance of me using this bathroom? Are you first in the queue? Sesshoumaru's in bathroom one, you see." Kagome explains the situation to Miroku who concedes defeat and decides to release the contents of his bladder in the garden, ironically in the favourite spot of Inuyasha. The producers of Big Buttocks decide to relocate camera 5b. Miroku decides to wash himself using the hose. Naraku finishes washing up and starts on the ironing. Sango creeps into the garden, and hides in the fern next to camera 5b. This belies her statements on the confession cam, where she continually denies any romantic feelings towards the houshi.  
  
Viewers are reminded of the Tabcorp betting line-  
  
Call 1800 239 439 to bet that Sango and Miroku will get together during the filming of Big Buttocks  
  
Call 1800 239 432 to bet that Sango and Miroku won't get together during the filming of Big Buttocks  
  
The queue for the bathroom increases.  
  
10.30 am  
  
"Kitsune-bi! HELP!"  
  
"Sankon Tetsu-"  
  
"OSUWARI!"  
  
11.00 am  
  
Shippou sits shivering on a table while Kagome dries him with a towel. Shippou askes Big Buttocks if he can file a harassment case against Inuyasha. Big Buttocks states that it's beyond his jurisdiction. Shippou says Big Buttocks is incompetent and Big Buttocks bursts into tears. Inuyasha retreats to the kitchen where he finds Kikyou stuffing herself with Kagome's supply of hot chocolate. "Well, I have got my period and we are the same person…"  
  
Someone is caught in the act  
  
12.00 pm  
  
It's lunchtime, and there is no lunch on the table. Sesshoumaru has completed his beauty routine, and floats outside with Jaken at his heels for his daily wistful gaze at the sky. "Where's Naraku?" Demands Kikyou at the same time Miroku discovers that the bedroom door is locked.  
  
"I'm not coming out!" Squeals Naraku.  
  
"Why is he in there?" Asks Sango, as Inuyasha threatens to bash the door down if he doesn't come out and cook lunch.  
  
"No! I don't want to. I'm having a break!" Naraku's voice is extremely high and squeaky.  
  
"Just tell us what's wrong!" Kagome says kindly through the door.  
  
"I'm only talking to Kikyou," Wheedles Naraku. Kikyou arrives. "What is it? I'm hungry."  
  
"It's my transformation cycle," Cries Naraku, "Every time Gardening Australia is repeated on the ABC I transform for twenty four hours."  
  
"What do you turn into?" Asks Kikyou. "A furry grapefruit," Naraku squeaks and bursts into heartfelt sobs. Big Buttocks viewers are reminded that video footage of this amazing transformation is available on the Big Buttocks website.  
  
12.30 pm  
  
Even Kikyou can't persuade Naraku to come out of the bedroom, so the cast are forced to make their own lunch, and also must set up the couches so they have somewhere to sleep. It turns out that there are only three couches that can be turned into double beds. Kouga and Inuyasha volunteer to sleep outside, and Sesshoumaru stakes out the velvet couch. Miroku volunteers to share a bed with Sango, but she would rather share a double bed with Kikyou and Kagome, with Shippou and Jaken if really necessary. Miroku is disappointed, but the opportunity to sleep single in a double bed is too good to miss. Inuyasha realises he's never had to make food for himself in his life and retreats outside in a filthy mood. Kikyou decides to sleep in the bath.  
  
1.00 pm  
  
Naraku finds a potato in the bedroom, and tells it his life story. The potato remains obstinately silent.  
  
2.00 pm  
  
Big Buttocks calls everyone to the living room. Big Buttocks announces that it is now daylight savings, and the time now should actually be 4.00. Kikyou asks Naraku through the door if this means he now only has 20 hours of his transformation left. Naraku tells Kikyou to get lost; he's trying to chat up the potato. Naraku asks the potato if it hurt when it fell out of heaven. The potato grows mould spontaneously.  
  
4.30 pm  
  
Confession cam time.  
  
Shippou- "That bastard Inuyasha, I'm gonna vote him off next time!"  
  
Kagome- "Inuyasha can be cruel sometimes, but he still has a good heart…I suppose he just needs somebody to teach him how to be gentle…"  
  
Naraku- Naraku was absent from confession cam. He will be punished.  
  
Sango- "I don't like Miroku. I don't find him attractive. Honest!"  
  
Inuyasha- "Why they make us go in this room, I have no friggin idea."  
  
Inuyasha has never really understood the point of confession cam. In fact, Inuyasha doesn't even know he is being filmed.  
  
Jaken- "I just want some caffeine. They have no caffeine in this goddamn place. A fag. Coffee. Anything. Please! I'll do anything!  
  
Kouga- "Kagome's my woman. Got that? And I'll take that dog turd to the peak of pain just to prove it!  
  
Miroku- "Times in this place are growing more interesting every day. I think someone will crack under the pressure eventually. It's a shame about tonight, though, as Sango grows more beautiful every day. One day I'll be lucky…one day…  
  
Kikyou- "I'm mad. Grrr. First Inuyasha betrays me…and now I'm dead. Tell me. How can a dead person be menstrual? I don't understand! GRRR!  
  
Sesshoumaru- "Am I beautiful, my lovely viewers? Don't hold back, c'mon, tell me! Am I gorgeous? Am I stunning? Is my name Sesshoumaru?  
  
5.00 pm  
  
Kagome asks everyone what they are going to do about dinner. Miroku suggests take away, there's a lovely Turkish place at the junction. Kouga reminds him that he isn't allowed outside. Kagome offers to cook every one some oden. Everyone thinks they can last one night without food. Kagome gets angry and tells them to prove it, and storms into the kitchen. Miroku produces a bottle of sake and states that it's about time he shared his stash with the cast.  
  
5.05 pm  
  
Big Buttocks states angrily that alcohol isn't allowed on the premises, and that it's irresponsible to drink in front of Shippou. Miroku tells Big Buttocks to go stuff himself, and Miroku's told he's on SBD tomorrow.  
  
6.00 pm  
  
Kagome emerges from the kitchen carrying a package and goes outside. Everyone in the living room has had one drink. Kouga suggests a game of strip poker. Kikyou thinks it isn't suitable for Shippou. Shippou is sent outside. Naraku has decided that the potato is a big turn off and has decided to approach a group of parsnips in the corner. "So, come here often?"  
  
6.15 pm  
  
Kagome finds Inuyasha on his favourite tree, and she climbs up to sit next to him. Inuyasha has gone through a transformation and is now human, and extremely grumpy. "Hi," Says Kagome and gives him a bowl of oden. "I thought you might be feeling down about your transformation, so I made you some food." Inuyasha mutters some rare thanks, which are taken back once he tastes the oden. Kagome starts to cry. Shippou is bored and gloomy. If only he was an adult.  
  
7.30 pm  
  
The game of strip poker is getting nowhere. Sesshoumaru keeps losing the round but he wears so many layers, bows and attachments that the participants are starting to get bored. Shippou is spying on Kagome and Inuyasha, who have removed their microphones. Inuyasha is emotional as he pulls Kagome into a passionate hug, but stops as soon as Big Buttocks commands them to "Stop canoodling!"  
  
9.00 pm  
  
Shippou has gone to sleep on the couch after a stressful day. The game of strip poker still hasn't been too eventful, though Sesshoumaru has removed his outer layer and Miroku swears he saw Sango's bra strap. After an enlightening conversation with the group of parsnips, Naraku feels much better about himself and feels ready to approach an avocado. After all, it's not what's on the outside but the inside that counts.  
  
11.00 pm  
  
Everyone is out cold on the couches, including Inuyasha and Kagome who came in for the night. Naraku and the avocado got off to a good start, but the avocado felt it wasn't ready for commitment.  
  
11:49pm  
  
After one hell of a day, the cast are exhausted, and so the house is relatively quiet. Quiet, that is, apart from the sounds of Kagome murmuring in her sleep, and Naraku still attempting to chat up the commitment-fearing avocado. The only interruptions to this peaceful night time atmosphere is the sound of a slap, followed by muffled swearing, as Sango feels the need to reprimand Miroku's indecent behaviour.  
  
11:50pm  
  
There is movement coming from the lounge room. Camera 4d confirms that this is just another one of Sesshoumaru's nightly trips to the bathroom to reapply his passion fruit scented lip-gloss. Big Buttocks remarks that it is fortunate the lip-gloss isn't avocado flavoured. It is not known precisely what Big Buttocks is doing at this hour of the night…  
  
11:55pm  
  
For the second time that night, there is movement. Camera 8h spots Inuyasha moving from the top of the bookcase - his substitute for a tree. As he passes by Kagome's bed he pauses, and Camera 8h goes in for a close up, only to receive The Look courtesy of Inuyasha.  
  
11:57pm  
  
Following a loud thump, a string of swear words can be heard as Inuyasha trips over an object lying in the dark. This is immediately countered by another string of swear words coming from the object. "CAN'T A GUY GET ANY SLEEP AROUND HERE?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING??" With that, Inuyasha leaves a disgruntled Jaken and makes his way outside. 


	2. Tuesday and wensday

**Tuesday  
Week 01**

**12:00am **

Upon arriving in the back yard, Inuyasha is surprised to find he is not alone. The giveaway trademark scent of passion fruit lip-gloss indicates that Sesshoumaru is also in the premises.

**8:00 am **

Big Buttocks has called everyone up and asks all the housemates to gather in the lounge room. Sesshoumaru appears out of the bathroom for a brief moment with avocado all over his face, explaining it's an avocado cleansing mask. Naraku is shattered. As the housemates head to the couch, Miroku saves a seat for Sango, only to see her promptly move next to Kagome. The housemates are eager to hear what Big Buttocks has to say. He begins to explain their weekly task.

The housemates are given their task - to be 5 sets of newlyweds in a shared house. They are soon presented with the first mini-task which was to take care of fake babies that scream, require changing, feeding and almost constant care for the rest of the week. A catch: they must stay within a two-metre radius of their babies as well.

Fluffy's daily wistful gaze at the sky

**9:00 am **

After much discussion, Big Buttocks has decided the pair of newlyweds:

Sesshoumaru and Naraku

Kagome and Inuyasha

Sango and Miroku

Kikyou and Jaken

Kouga and Shippou

Sesshoumaru and Naraku burst into scary grins upon hearing they are together, but everyone else seems to be disappointed. Kikyou stares with menace at Inuyasha who sits dribbling on the couch; he hasn't quite woken up yet.

**10:30 am **

The newlyweds decide to name their plastic babies.

Inuyasha insists on calling their baby "it". Kagome gets upset and tells Inuyasha that since she was a young girl she always dreamt of calling her baby "Sheila". Inuyasha tells her to compromise and call it "shit". Kagome replies, "Why don't we just call it SIT!" Bang!

Sango and Miroku decide to call their baby "George", Sango because she likes it and Miroku for secret reasons of his own. Kikyou and Jaken decide to use letters of their two names combined and call it "Kraken." Kouga bullies Shippou into calling it "Snot ball" and insists that Shippou call him "Lord Kouga, King of Wolves" every time he addresses him.

Sesshoumaru and Naraku are in quiet discussion in the corner, after some time they announce to group that their blessed child is called "Tiger-Lily Xena Fairy Princess-Pea".

**12:15 pm **

The house has been so involved in taking care of their new "amusement" that they have forgotten about lunch. Kagome is too busy teaching Inuyasha how to hold their child properly and a constant "DON'T BEAT HIS HEAD!" can be heard every time the baby begins to cry. Sango looks ultimately peeved after hearing Miroku ask for the millionth time, "Sango, now will you bear my child?"

**2:00 pm **

The house is very chaotic and the babies are screaming full time. Since lunch was ignored and forgotten, the housemates are hungry, tired and irritated. Even Sesshoumaru is not looking his stunning self. Speaking of which, he and Naraku are currently in hot pursuit - arguing over who gets to play the role of "mummy". Naraku thinks he should obviously get to be mummy since he has gone through the hardships of childbirth and motherhood several times already, however Sesshoumaru reckons dragging Rin along is enough to qualify for being a mother. In the end, they kiss and make up and decide they can _both _be mummy!

**3:30 pm **

Inuyasha has officially smashed his child's head to pieces, causing malfunction and similar behaviours to that of a Furby that will not go to sleep when placed in a dark room. Kagome is in tears. Big Buttocks calls them both into the TV room to discuss if they will be allowed to continue their task. Sango refuses to talk to Miroku, but must stay around him as she must stay within a two-metre radius of her baby. Naraku has taken to motherhood with amazing ease, talking to his baby and rocking it in the cradle, and he's very pleased with his "marriage" to Sesshoumaru - "I can snog him anytime I want!"

**5:00 pm **

Time for confession cam!

**Shippou**- "That bastard Kouga, I'm gonna vote him off next time!"

**Kagome**- "Inuyasha is so cruel all the time! How could he abuse our child? I hope that when we do eventually have ch- I mean, um… nothing."

**Naraku**- "I think I'm over the avocado…Sesshoumaru is one hell of a spouse. And he kisses like a vacuum cleaner…"

**Sango-** "At least Miroku and I agreed on a name. I suppose he's not too bad but he'd better not use this task as an excuse to stay close to me!"

**Inuyasha**- "Uhhhh…" _Inuyasha looks stoned. _

_No breakthroughs have been made concerning Inuyasha's knowledge of reality television. The fact that he has acknowledged the cameras and still has no idea he is being filmed is remarkable, but then again, hanyou can be remarkably stupid. _

**Jaken- **"I don't think Kikyou is a woman. She's a rock, or a meat cleaver or something…but a woman she is not…" _Looks around furtively… _"Maybe that's what happens when you're dead…"

**Kouga- **"I don't know why I couldn't go with Kagome…" Thoughtful look "I think Big Buttocks is up to something…"

**Miroku- **"Big Buttocks, I thank you ever so much…today I had my first real taste of what life would be like in partnership with Sango…I am one hell of a lucky man! Ahhhhhh…"

_Lies back on couch with a satisfied look, then pulls a face… _"SHIT! I've got SBD!" _Grabs Shippou by the tail and runs into Bathroom 2_.

**Kikyou-** "I'm two days into my f period now. Why? WHY? I'm DEAD for god's sake! RRAAAAHHHHHH!!! Why was I paired with a toad? A bloody toad? He could never make a good father…"

**Sesshoumaru- **

_Sesshoumaru is hiding his face _"Don't look at me. My mascara's running. Your favourite Sesshoumaru isn't so pretty today, my lovelies, but just you wait for tomorrow…just you wait..." _smiles evilly_

**5:30 pm **

A loud high-pitched scream is heard from Bathroom 2. Shippou appears with a towel wrapped around body with hair sticking up and exclaims, "He's electrocuted me! HE'S ELECTROCUTED ME!" Miroku pokes his head out of the bathroom and waves his air-rip arm out, explaining,

"It's the air-rip! I had completely forgotten about the bizarre reaction when my air-rip hand comes in contact with water!"

He tried to bloody kill me!

**6:00 pm **

To top off a long and dreary day for the housemates, Big Buttocks provides pizzas and a choice of movies for the inhabitants. The pizza order included a Ham and Pineapple super slab, Super Supreme thin and crispy, Pepperoni thin and crispy, and a BBQ Chicken thin and crispy. Inuyasha seems to enjoy the taste of pizza, however Sesshoumaru still sits on the couch grumbling; he has not eaten since entering the house.

**8:30 pm **

The housemates sit at the couch and kick off their movie night with "Godzilla". Inuyasha has never seen a television before and constantly has to be restrained by Kagome from disappearing behind the TV in search of that "shrekin' piece of shit that won't show his freaking face!" Kouga mutters, "He's just full of talk, isn't he? He's just full of talk!"

After the action thriller, the housemates start "Gone with the Wind". Kouga becomes very emotional and teary. "I get so sniff snort sensitive with these touching scenes…sniff" Kagome gets up to comfort the blubbering wolf, handing over a box of Kleenex. Inuyasha scowls from his position tied down to the couch… he has too much pride to burst into soppy tears to grab Kagome's attention. Kikyou approaches him, however, and sits down next to him. It's Kagome's turn to scowl, and nobody appears to be enjoying themselves apart from Sesshoumaru and Naraku sharing a snuggle session on the couch.

"Do you love me?" Asks Sesshoumaru. "Yep," Naraku replies and Sesshoumaru bursts into childish giggles… "He WUVES me!" Upon receiving stares from their housemates, Naraku fishes out the baby and waves at the disgusted cast… "Tiger-Lily Xena Fairy Princess-Pea needs his mummies to cuddle him!"

**11.59 pm**

The movie has ended, and Naraku and Sesshoumaru are sleeping peacefully together on the couch, the perfect picture of a married couple. Tiger-Lily Xena Fairy Princess-Pea lies forgotten, tossed away on the floor. Kagome looks at them wistfully, then at her broken baby lying underneath the television, and finally at Inuyasha who is snoring like a vacuum cleaner with his head on Kikyou's lap. Kagome retreats to the bedroom, and emerges soon after with Jaken's packet of ciggies. "What are you lookin' at? Piss orf."

**Wednesday  
Week 01**

**10:00 am **

The housemates awake with weary eyes after tending to their newborns all night. Miroku is seen on Camera 14d leaving Sango's seat on the couch muttering, "the baby needed his father, ok?" Showers and other morning routines are being strategically coordinated by the housemates to keep the babies within a two-metre radius of respective parents. Big Buttocks announces that in the afternoon he will be announcing the results of the parenting tasks, and if they are not satisfactory, he will be cutting their weekly budget to $7.50. "That's enough for a packet of…nothing," Naraku swiftly leaves the room.

**10:45 am **

The boys continue to show their maternal instincts throughout the morning, with Naraku lovingly dressing Tiger-Lily Xena Fairy Princess-Pea for the day. Sesshoumaru makes the observation that he went into the house as a femmie-bishounen, but now he's married with a kid. However, he slips right into the role, even rubbing Naraku's back after he finishes dressing their beautiful child.

**11:13 am **

Someone in the house has discovered the whereabouts of the Big Buttocks microphone!

"THIS IS BIG BUTTOCKS! I AM BEAUTIFUL! MAYBE I'M BORN WITH IT! MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE!"

11.45 am 

It appears that the one with the microphone holds the power, and Inuyasha has been forced to do SBD four times in a row. Naraku has been commanded to cook some "Youkai food for bloody once!"

**12.00 pm **

Big Buttocks (the real one) is furious. Sesshoumaru comes galloping down the garden path with his 'tail' between his legs, whimpering. No one has ever seen him in such a state. "Big Buttocks has _no fashion sense!_" He whispers emphatically to the cast. "NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SEE ME!" Big Buttocks roars. "SESSHOUMARU, YOU WILL BE _PUNISHED_!" "Feh," Sesshoumaru uses Inuyasha's catchphrase as he drops onto one of the couches. "There's nothing painful enough to fluster _moi_." "You tell him, my Sesshomie-poo!" Naraku eggs Sesshoumaru on. "Just you wait," Big Buttocks growls in a blood curdling voice that makes everyone's hair stand on end, "Just you wait." 

"Eat me," Says Sesshoumaru.

Big Buttocks announces that Sesshoumaru's punishment will be announced this evening after he has thought of a really juicy one. The tension levels in the house rise.

**1.00 pm **

Big Buttocks calls the housemates to the lounge room to discuss nominations. They must elect two housemates of their choice, in order of whom they would most like to evict out of the house. The one they want most to leave the house receives two points, the other one point.

Shippou- "Inuyasha gets two points, because he tried to kill me on Monday! I was going to vote out Kouga, but Miroku tried to kill me on Tuesday so I suppose he deserves to be voted out too! Yeah! Inuyasha and Miroku! Grrr…"

Kagome- "Kikyou is so irritating! I mean she's been stealing my hot chocolate supply and keeps grumbling about her menstrual cycle, I mean, I'm a girl too you know and I don't grumble about it! She keeps eyeing Inuyasha too, and that's sabotaging our chances of passing the weekly task satisfactorily! Besides, she's passed her time! Oh, and I'd also like to nominate Sesshoumaru because he takes too long in bathroom."

_sounds like someone else's time of the month is coming up soon! _

Naraku- "Miroku. I just don't like the guy!" _flashes a casual grin _"Inuyasha too, I just don't like him either."

Sango- "I choose Jaken because he does absolutely nothing around the house to help. Kikyou creeps me, the way she lurches around the house like a zomb- uh…oh, Miroku can wait till next time…"

Inuyasha- "That fing Kouga bastard won't stay away from Kagome! Shippou should go out too. I reckon Big Buttocks is waiting for me to stuff up so I'll have to do SBD again! Feh!"

Jaken- "I want Shippou out. It's the battle of the small people and quite frankly the house is not big enough for the both of us. Kikyou, well she's a bitch! I still can't believe Big Buttocks paired us up for that ridiculous task!"

Kouga- "Inuyasha doesn't belong here! Kagome is my woman! I'm nominating Kikyou too; I can't stand having another person around who looks like my woman."

Miroku- "Jaken. He's an annoying, irritating little…" _squirms _"…little pain in the ass! Also Kouga, he just doesn't seem to fit in."

Kikyou- "Kagome should definitely go out! She's stealing my Inuyasha away, she thinks she can have him just because Big Buttocks has paired her up with him for the weekly task, I mean she doesn't realise how sensitive I get during my menstrual period, especially the mood swings and all, but DAMMIT, A DEAD PERSON JUST SHOULDN'T SUFFER ANYMORE! - ahem. But if she leaves, she should leave her hot chocolate supply behind - for the house to enjoy…eheh… Also Sesshoumaru…" _eyes narrow towards Sesshoumaru_ "I know you did it Sesshoumaru, I know you stole my black mascara!"

Sesshoumaru- "I want Jaken out! _shocked faces_

"M'lord Sesshoumaru?!?! How could this be?"

"I'd really like to FINALLY get AWAY from him! Inuyasha, my dear cough brother, you must also be nominated. It's either him, or me and the viewers cannot stand for a hanyou with no fashion sense or make up!

Big Buttocks mutters some personal joke about Sesshoumaru being a pot calling the kettle black, and bursts into deep chuckles. When asked to explain himself, Big Buttocks simply replies, "You'll see, you'll see…" Then goes on to explain that after he's done the calculations, he'll let the house know who the three unlucky people are. An uncanny silence descends over the house as the ten occupants wait to see if their name is on the blacklist.

**2.00 pm **

Sango and Miroku have really taken to George. Sango sits on the couch 'feeding' George with a bottle while Miroku adjusts his booties.

"He's got your eyes," Sango says, smiling at the baby.

"He's got your nose," Miroku replies.

"He's got your smile," Sango says wistfully.

"He's got your round, curvaceous ars…he's got your head."

Naraku shrieks from the kitchen. _"How did Tiger Lily Xena Fairy Princess Pea get in the microwave?!" _

**3.00 pm**

Inuyasha, gruffness personified, appears to have noticed how downcast Kagome has been since the apparent 'demise' of their baby. Having spent a lot of the afternoon in the garden tinkering away with "It Sheila Shit Sit", he has finally managed to attach its head to its body. Inuyasha now appears to be washing it in the pool. He mutters almost incomprehensibly to himself but the Big Buttocks hanyou language translators assure us he is reciting poetry. Then again, the Big Buttocks hanyou language translators barrack for Freemantle.

**3.30 pm **

Naraku and Sesshoumaru are having a whispered discussion in the kitchen.

"He wears _lime green_?" Naraku whispers in shock.

"And that's not all…Big Buttocks is actually really, really, really shor-"

"SILENCE!" Big Buttocks assures Sesshoumaru he has already thought of a suitable punishment and won't hesitate to deal another. From now on all discussion about the appearance of Big Buttocks is forbidden.

**4.00 pm **

Kouga has approached Kagome, who is sitting alone watching Sango and Miroku. "Hey," He says, "D'ya wanna help us take care of our baby?" Kouga indicates Shippou struggling to cart around the plastic toy which is almost as big as he is. Kagome smiles at Kouga. "I would love to, but Big Buttocks decided to give Inuyasha and I another chance. I just don't know where the baby has gone, that's all…"

**5.00 pm**

Confession cam is cancelled in favour of the revelation of the nominees. Big Buttocks calls everyone to the living room.

"The nominees for this week are Inuyasha, Kikyou and Jaken."

Nobody misses the gasp of horror from Kagome, or the spontaneous grins of pleasure from Sesshoumaru and Naraku. Inuyasha doesn't seem too happy. "What did _I _do to anyone?!" An evil aura starts emanating from Kikyou and Jaken merely looks stoned. Big Buttocks silences the feverish chatter among the cast, and announces Sesshoumaru's punishment- he is to have a haircut.

**5.30 pm **

Sesshoumaru has not moved. The expression on his face is quite normal, but his skin is cold to touch and he is not blinking. Naraku thinks he might be dead. "You _killed_ him!" He rages to the cameras. "Thank god," Inuyasha mutters, and disappears into the bedroom.

**5.45 pm**

Sesshoumaru has started to move.

**5.47 pm **

Sesshoumaru is angry.

**5.49 pm **

Camera 14a has ceased to function.

**6.00 pm**

After what can only be called a 'dignified rage', Sesshoumaru has broken down into sobs, making Naraku's shoulder extremely moist.

"There, there," Naraku wheedles, "It'll grow back. I'll cut mine with you if you like."

"Really?"

"Yes, anything for you, my honey."

"Naraku, you mean so much to me…"

"Don't worry sweetheart, everything will be okay!"

Naraku and Sesshoumaru burst into heartfelt sobs and embrace each other. Kagome catches herself smiling at the happy couple, whereas Sango and Miroku merely look disgusted.

"Who gets to cut his hair?" Shippou asks the cameras.

"Oh, hadn't thought of that," Big Buttocks says, "You can if you like."

"What, now?"

"Sure thing," Says Big Buttocks, and Shippou fetches a pair of scissors. Sesshoumaru seems resigned to his fate, and sits down on a stool gripping Naraku's hand. Shippou climbs on top of Sesshoumaru's head to do the deadly business, and the whole cast turns up to watch.

"You ready, ya puffed up piece of…"

"I want this style," Sesshoumaru states, and holds up a Cleo magazine.

"Well, too bad!" Cries Shippou and the scissors dive in for the kill…

**7.00 pm **

Shippou has tried for an hour now to cut Sesshoumaru's hair to no effect. Sesshoumaru's hair is not ordinary hair, and just won't be cut. Shippou gives up in disgust, and Big Buttocks is angry at himself for forgetting Sesshoumaru is a full blown youkai. All is not lost, however, and Big Buttocks assures the household that a visitor will be along tomorrow to lop off the locks. Big Buttocks then bids everyone goodnight and tells them to behave themselves; he's going out for the night with the voice from the Tellytubbies. The second after Big Buttocks cuts the connection, a mighty roar is heard from the kitchen. Kagome rushes in to find Inuyasha surrounded by flame as he attempts to cook himself some toast.

**7.45 pm **

Miroku is extinguishing the last of the flames with his air rip. Inuyasha is wrapped in a fireproof towel and Kagome is tending to his burns. "Why weren't you wearing your coat of fire rat's fur?" She asks. Inuyasha is in the filthiest of bad moods. "Just wanted some frickin' toast…"

Just wanted some frickin' toast...

**8.00 pm**

The cast are exhausted already, and are sitting on the couches swapping stories and talking about how they feel living together on Big Buttocks.

"Well, ever since Kaede was voted out, I realised how serious this can be…" Miroku states. "She was the last person I would have expected."

"Yeah, she was always cooking for us, tending our wounds…" Sango adds.

"Giving us mummy huggles…" Says Kouga, and shuts up quickly.

"I think it's been a really good experience so far," Kagome says. "I've learnt a lot about living with different types of people."

Four out of five couples are sitting together tending their 'children'. George is perhaps the best looking of all the children, with carefully brushed hair and hand made clothes. He also appears to be armed with a small hiraikotsu and a rather crude looking black hole drawn on one of the hands. Tiger Lily Xena Fairy Princess Pea is also looking very beautiful. Snot Ball fits his name perfectly, whereas Kraken looks more like a potato than a giant squid. Kagome decides she wants to go to bed.

**8.10 pm **

Kagome finds her mended baby on her bed, wrapped in a red cloak of fire rat's fur with a rather crude note pinned to it, that says "Sheela".

**9.00 pm**

The rest of the cast decide to pack it in for the night, after a game of Twister.

**12.00 am**

There is activity outside. It appears to be the last night of the full moon, and the two resident dogs, fox and wolf have snuck outside to howl at it. Uncannily, their baying is incredibly tuneful and sounds like an a capella version of 'Itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini'. They then go on to perform such classics as 'Achy-Breaky heart' and 'Go West'. This unusual and rare event goes on for about an hour, after which the canines snap out of their trances and yell at eachother for a bit. Sesshoumaru flicks Kouga on the nose, and Inuyasha stomps on Sesshoumaru's foot. Then they go to bed.


End file.
